I found an old diary of mine

I’m going back to Nottingham after my week at home today, and remembered I was supposed to sort out the shit under my bed (to make room for the next time I’m home when I’ll have brought my whole uni room/life with me).
So anyway, I made a teeny tiny dent by emptying the smallest box I could find, in which I found an old diary.
Most of it is hilarious;  I was 10 years old and my life seems to have revolved around practice tests for the 11+, playing sports and gossiping with my friends about my crush.
But only three pages in, 10 year old me discusses how I don’t think I have a chance with said-crush because I’m ‘fat’; I have ‘a big tummy, huge bum and massive thighs.’ How sad is that?
It doesn’t really come as a surprise to me, because I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t self concious about my size, or comparing myself to all of my friends, to everyone around me.
And I think this is why I get so defensive and feel so strongly about the whole phenomenon of ‘shaming skinny-shamers’. By this I mean Nicki Minaj’s ‘fuck skinny bitches’ and Meghan Trainor’s controversial ‘All About That Bass’. That last song in particular did a lot for my self confidence, in terms of accepting myself , curves and all. So it kinda hurts and makes that self confidence feel invalidated when I hear people criticise it. After so many years of hating the body I was born with, that’s kind of a huge blow.
It makes me angry that people criticise the lyrics ‘my mama told me don’t worry about your size/Boys like a little more booty to hold at night’, because, for one thing, that’s very familiar to a lot of not-skinny girls (including myself), but also, if you’re telling a young girl not to worry about her size, if it works to say boys still like you if you’ve got a bit of booty, it’s worth it. If it’s said in the right way, it puts a young girl’s mind at rest, without telling her her body and her worth is measured by a man’s opinion of her. You can tell her both: you’re worth it whether or not a boy likes you, but boys won’t not like you because you’re not super thin.
(I sincerely hope this is making some sense)
So basically, fuck skinny bitches. Do they bat an eyelid when fat girls are being bashed in pop music?  I don’t think so. Let us have our moment. One or two songs out of thousands that aren’t about you and you get defensive. That’s what I see when I read peoples’ complaints about these songs, whether or not the sentiment behind it comes from a good place. Solidarity with my curvy sisters!
I’m going to go back to owning my big booty and trying to block out all the negativity, now.


3 thoughts on “I found an old diary of mine

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